Angels & Demons

"O, Draconian Devil! Oh, Lame Saint!," wails Kimberly Gadette, fearing more anemic anagrams in this Da Vinci Code sequel, adapted from the Dan Brown novel. As an antidote and warning, here's a palindrome of our own: "Poor Dan Is In A Droop."

In a rare display of cosmic brilliance, the very essence of this film reveals itself at the opening. It occurs when we realise that the ornately scripted word "Illuminati" - flashing forwards and backwards across the screen - is meant to be a palindrome. Hmmm…we say "Illuminati," they say "Itanimulli." Obviously, the palindromic device doesn't work, no matter how fancy the lettering. But it hints at an error with much deeper implications: perhaps the film is weighed down by a symbolism that ultimately doesn't spell out a thing.

If only the filmmakers could have seen the writing on the wall.

The ever-intrepid Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) is called to the center of a murderous mystery that threatens to erode the very foundation of the Catholic church. Again. But first, we need to see him lean and tan as he swims laps in the Cambridge pool. (This seems to be the latest craze with 40+ superstars, displaying their still-sinewy biceps in and around pools. Perhaps his Charlie Wilson's War co-star Julia Roberts, flashing sculpted skin in the shallow end of the pool in that film, coached him accordingly. And perhaps it was after she got wind of it from Demi Moore, who did the same darn thing in Mr Brooks.)

Speaking of swimming in someone else's wake; in both films, an old guy gets mutilated at the opening. And the old guy just so happens to have a comely female relative who's a wunderkind in some arcane scientific discipline, who will a) help Langdon but will b) suffer from a severe lack of sexuality – even while tottering around in 4" heels – so as to not clutter up the plot with romance. There will be disbelieving cops trying to undo Langdon at every turn, suspicious cardinals convening hither and yon, and wild-eyed hunts all over the city, searching for vague clues related to art, science and God. And tombs, lots of tombs, often on the move.

Holy hell, you've seen this movie. And when you did, you got a cool, scary Albino monk (Paul Bettany) and an effete millionaire with polio who used his crutches to a fare-thee-well (Sir Ian McKellen). This time around, no such luck. This 2.0 version is running on bland, the vibrant characters referenced above replaced by an earnest Camerlengo named Patrick (Ewan McGregor). What, no more self-mutilating zealots? Bummer.

If the mystery doesn't lie within the story, then how about with the filmmakers? First, the writers. Hollywood veteran scribes David Koepp and Akiva Goldsman set up a perfectly respectable tension-driving device: four cardinals will be killed, one per hour. On the fifth hour, Vatican City will be obliterated by a bomb that contains anti-matter.

Yet it seems that they've been inhaling some of the anti-matter themselves, because nothing does indeed seem to matter. They grind the action to a halt while Langdon makes use of the Vatican Archive library, chatting it up with his non-girlfriend so that she's clued in to all the historical goings-on from the last five centuries. Um…has Langdon forgotten that a cardinal is about to be murdered? This stop-me-while-I-lecture moment occurs twice. Even nuttier, when visiting the archives, this Langdon, this esteemed symbologist professor, world expert and author of books referencing the texts of Galileo – can't read Latin! He needs a translator quick, and since ancient archives usually don't keep updated phone directories around, he has to turn to the hostile blond guard-boy for help.

As for director Ron Howard (anagram = "Horrid! Creator Down!"), he's been a substantive force behind the camera for forty years, giving us such treasures as Frost/Nixon, A Beautiful Mind and Parenthood, along with the earlier Tom Hanks' classics Apollo 13 and Splash. Yet when he stumbles on to the set of a Dan Brown yawner, it's as if his directorial soul has been appropriated by the demons of this title. Tension? Believability? Characters we care about? Vanished, like so many well-intentioned prayers at an Easter Sunday mass.

Hanks tries for an amiable moment or two, but it's lost in all the bloat. McGregor has some decent scenes, particularly with Armin Mueller-Stahl's traditionalist cardinal, but again, too few amid the voluminous orchestrations, silly chases and the preposterous machinations that are at the heart of any Dan Brown creation.

Amen.

Rating on a scale of 5 cardinal sins: 2

Release date: US: May 15, 2009; UK: May 14, 2009
Directed by: Ron Howard
Screenplay by: David Koepp and Akiva Goldsman
Based on the novel by: Dan Brown
Cast: Tom Hanks, Ewan McGregor, Ayelet Zurer, Stellan Skarsgård, Pierfrancesco Favino, Nikolaj Lie Kass, Armin Mueller-Stahl
Rating: US = PG-13; UK = 12A
Running time: 140 minutes