2012: Biggest ever year for movies or staler than stale bread? - part 1

Not 2012 as in the planet-demolishing Roland Emmerich movie from 18 months ago, but rather 2012 as in the year after this one. Some massive movies are due for release then, with the charge being led by the likes of The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises. However originality looks set to be in shorter supply than ever. So will the genuine show-stoppers outweigh the musty dregs? Read on to find out.

Fair to say that some hefty-looking fantasy features are scheduled to hit multiplexes this summer – Thor, Green Lantern, Cowboys & Aliens, the third Transformers, the final Harry Potter (yes, he finally graduates from high school, only to be put off from going to university when the government ratchets up tuition fees. Aw, sad little Potter).

However this year's slate is still very much a pool of tiddlers when compared to the array of mega-budget monoliths due to debut next year. Then, there will be revivals for both Superman and Spider-Man, there will be a new Alien movie from the series' original director, the most avidly-anticipated Batman film ever, and the first superhero blockbuster team-up movie in cinema history.

Yet as that sample of the 2012 line-up indicates, this new, more terrifying-than-ever, salvo of cartoon ultra-blockbusters will see Hollywood crash to a fresh nadir in terms of over-familiarity of characters and subject matter. We are not simply talking about movies based on comic books. We are talking about second sequels to reboots of movie series based on comic books. That's the kind of starting point that is to originality what Red Kryptonite is to Superman. Or a really big bug-zapper is to Spider-Man.

What follows therefore is a highly scientific experiment, one of sufficient intellectual rigour to satisfy even Stephen Hawking, international doctor of outer space, as we look ahead to 32 of the massive movies out next year (32 = 20 + 12, y'see?), and ask which will proudly bestride the world of film like the Titans of antediluvian myth, and which will be staler than a snog off Susan Boyle.

The 32 biggest films of 2012 take the IndieMoviesOnline freshness challenge

Premium Rush (release date: 13 Jan, directed by David Koepp): A thriller starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a bike courier, with the threat presumably provided by him having to dodge murderous motorists pissed off that they wasted two hours of their life watching (500) Days of Summer. Amongst myriad writing credits, Koepp penned Indy 4, also known as Indiana Jones and the Soiling of the Joyous Childhood Memories. Freshness Rating: STALE!

Underworld 4: New Dawn (20 Jan, Måns Mårlind, Bjorn Stein): Clever Kate Beckinsale. With folks beginning to think she was as wooden as a vampire-stabbing stake, she cannily passed lead duties in the third Underworld flick to Rhona Mitra, an actress as stiff as one of Medusa's victims. Kate duly steps back in for part four, and hey presto, it seems like the franchise is back on track. Seems like... Freshness Rating: STALE!

Safe House (10 Feb, Daniel Espinosa): Ryan Reynolds plays a government spook sent on the run while looking after crook Denzel Washington. Sounds exactly like the kind of two-handed action thriller that Washington can, and probably does, do in his sleep. The only surprise is that Tony Scott is not the man wielding the megaphone. Freshness Rating: THREE-DAY OLD MOULD!

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (17 Feb, Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor): Yes, Nicolas Cage's two-wheeled demon is back, and this time round he's not hungry for jelly beans, he's hungry for revenge! Revenge on all those who sniggered at the small furry mammal grazing atop his head in film one. So that's absolutely everyone who saw the movie then. Any possible plus points? Um, it's not Daredevil 2. Freshness Rating: CRUSTY!

John Carter of Mars (9 Mar, Andrew Stanton): WALL-E director Stanton makes the leap from animation to live-action (well, live-action with loads of CGI doodling), and what star name has he been handed as he seeks to craft a blockbuster from Edgar Rice Burroughs' source tale? Only Taylor Kitsch, who played the hateful 90210 version of Gambit in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Still, it involves a sci-fi jaunt to the Red Planet and if you don't enjoy one of those you're a bally killjoy, you are. Freshness Rating: FRESH!

21 Jump Street (16 Mar, Phil Lord, Chris Miller): Jonah Hill heads back to high school in the company of Channing Tatum. Perhaps to learn why Tatum is so boring. Who can say? Yet another TV show given the big screen treatment – a Keeping Up Appearances blockbuster is surely only weeks away from being green lit. Freshness Rating: CRUSTY!

Contraband (16 Mar, Baltasar Kormákur): It's a remake of an Icelandic thriller which 101 Reykjavik director Kormákur starred in but, rather confusingly, did not helm. Mark Wahlberg plays a smuggler turned security guard who is lured back towards his old smuggling ways. Funny word that, smuggle. Denotes a bad thing but sounds cute and cuddly. Smuggle smuggle! Sounds like a cutesy 8-bit platform game. Freshness Rating: JUST IN-DATE!

Hunger Games (23 Mar, Gary Ross): Spidey spin-off Venom must wait, as Seabiscuit director Ross tackles this adaptation of a young adult sci-fi book (translation: you don't need to be great at writing to knock out a whole slew of 'em and who knows? You might hit Potter-esque pay dirt). In terms of plot, kids battle to the death in a post-apocalyptic future. Good, gets them out of the house for a bit. Freshness Rating: FRESH!

Wrath of the Titans (30 March, Jonathan Liebesman): Yes, the Titans are angry this time round. Probably because they reckoned they'd earned themselves another 29 years of glorious lazing thanks to their box-office underperformance last year. But no! They're being pressed back into action, with Sam Worthington and Gemma Arterton returning and Edgar Ramirez joining the cast as Ares, the God of War. Expect this flick to be followed by an instant user-generated sequel, Apathy of the Audience. Freshness Rating: THREE-DAY OLD MOULD!

The Croods (30 March, Kirk De Micco, Chris Sanders): Reynolds and Cage both appear for second showings in this run down, as they provide cavemen voices for this Palaeolithic Era-set DreamWorks animation. Sanders co-directed the ace How to Train Your Dragon, but the real reason to get excited about this film is the title. Take note, we are being promised 'crood-ity', and if there isn't a surplus of cavemen using their derrières like wind tunnels, there will be brontosaurus-sized disappointment. Freshness Rating: FRESH, BUT AT THE SAME TIME FARTY!

Check out part two of our 2012 movie freshness test!

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