The Gillette approach: Die Hard 5, Pineapple Express 2, Way of the Dragon

Rumourville: will we soon see Die Hard 5, Pineapple Express 2, and an all-new version of the Bruce Lee flick Way of the Dragon? We’ve got the gossip below.

There are films that you look forward to, films that you forget about as soon as they’ve been mooted, and films that strike you as such a terrible idea that you can only imagine that they must be part of some radical art movement whose aim is to challenge the outdated expectations of bourgeois cinema-goers who believe that film should be in some way original or interesting.

In the final category, say hello to a little thought-experiment we like to call Die Hard 5. In an interview with MTV yesterday, Bruce Willis threatened the world thus: “I think we’re going to do Die Hard 5 next year”. Upping the terror quotient, Willis continued, when asked what his next move would be: "I would hire Len Wiseman right now.”

As you will recall, Wiseman directed the third installment in the Die Hard series (you know, the rubbish one that had Justin Long mugging away in it). But that’s not all from Bruce, who also has concept ideas for DH5: “It's got to go worldwide. That would be my contribution to the next movie.” (And, one imagines, some sort of acting?)

A thought for Die Hard producers: what did people like about the first film? I mean apart from the dirty vest and the bare feet and the yippee-ki-yay business? The beautifully simple and effective premise of holding an entire building hostage. The franchise sort of returned to a contained environment for DH2, but installments three and four lacked that hook and turned into a structure-free mess of Bruce Willis plus sidekick (Samuel L Jackson, Justin Long) running around, answering riddles and filling up jugs with water and evading exploding things. Producers: no more of that. Do not go worldwide, as the baked bean head of the action world suggests. Go small, with a good hook and a script that’s more than a collection of predictable responses to things blowing up (“Get down!” “Get back!” “Drive!” “Faster!” “Whoa!”) and you may yet rake in a stupidly large pile of cash.

In what universe would Jack Black be a stand-in for Bruce Lee? Why, in this one, of course. Stephen Chow is apparently planning a remake of Bruce Lee’s 1972 comedy/actioner, Way of the Dragon. This in itself is not particularly surprising since Chow is pretty darn comfy in the action/comedy arena; and it’s not particularly bothersome since there is only a miniscule chance that anything made by Stephen Chow (cartoony effects, slapstick, madness, buffoonery) would look at all like something written and directed by Bruce Lee. But what’s got people chattering is that Black is being talked up for the Bruce Lee role – starring opposite Anne Hathaway. The original film’s plot saw a martial arts expert visiting family in Italy and protecting their restaurant from local Mafia. The film culminated in a fight between Lee's hero Tang and martial arts mercenary Colt, who was played by Chuck Norris, which was one of the film's draws. Since Black himself is no sort of a fighter, it is absolutely no fun to speculate on who could take this role, as a toddler with good levels of cardio-vascular fitness could take on Black and win. But all in all, could this be Nacho Libre minus the nuns? Lordy, we hope not. 

In other unwelcome film news, a follow-up to Pineapple Express is apparently being considered, according to James Franco. The actor said that “practical steps” are being taken to make it happen. The film, which was directed by talented helmer David Gordon Green and scripted by the ubiquitous trio of Apatow/Rogen/ Evan Goldberg, concerned a small time dealer (James Franco) and one of his stoner clients (Rogen) who witness a murder. The entire enterprise reached its apex with the brilliant trailer – which in two and a half minutes covered the entire plot, all the best jokes and was set to ‘Paper Planes’, that catchy number from MIA – leaving the film itself plenty of space to disappoint. What can possibly be left for Pineapple Express 2? The red-eyed duo witnesses another murder? Or perhaps this time they won’t leave the flat at all and just guffaw along to daytime TV while eating Fruit Roll-Ups?

No word on whether or not David Gordon Green would direct but it seems unlikely. He’s currently in post-production with medieval stoner comedy Your Highness (also starring James Franco), and will shortly be starting filming on a needless remake of Dario Argento’s stylised horror Suspiria. Green said that the remake represented an “opportunity to take all the artistic excellence and be inspired by what was a low budget Italian '70s gore movie — where the art world meets the violent and supernatural."

Here’s a thought: being inspired by something doesn’t necessarily mean remaking it. That’s the Gillette approach. See something that already works and think: we can better this! Then keep adding little rubber panels and extra blades and a flexible heads and menthol strips – and after months of tireless labour, end up with something that’s no better than the original.

We have two fantastic David Gordon Green-directed film here on Indie which you can watch right now, absolutely free if you're in the UK or Australia: Undertow (Jamie Bell, Kristen Stewart, Dermot Mulroney) and George Washington.