Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

Who sucked the lifeblood out of every frame of this cinematic horror? Going for the jugular, Kimberly Gadette thinks there's only one credible explanation: Vampires.

And here we'd thought that Stephenie Meyers' Twilight series had drained the market of deathless vampire films based on vapid YA (young adult) books. Scratch that. It seems we're going to need a bigger coffin to make room for Darren Shan's Cirque du Freak series, a 12-book tour of tweeny teen-ey angst that, cinematically speaking, makes Twilight look good.

While one of the Weitz brothers (Paul) sank his fangs into this monstrosity, the other brother (Chris) directed the latest Twilight sequel, New Moon. Though they've previously worked on numerous projects together and apart, suddenly it's a double dipping of the Dracu-lesque, their films releasing within a month of each other. It seems that blood is even thicker than, um, blood. As for their respective assignments, perhaps they drew straws … and Paul came up short.

As does this plot, a hemo-glob of demonic proportions. Two bored teenage boys go to a freak show, meeting up with a variety of mutants that stretch the limits of their small town mindset. Subsequently, one gets bitten by a giant red and blue spider that looks to be an escapee from Pixar. (Hey kids! Meet the Day-Glo velour arachnid with crazy eyes … how fun! Yet how oddly at odds with the low-lit, smoky/spooky look of the film.) The bitten boy may die unless the other one, who attempted to steal the spider, saves him. Thank heavens the weary vampire Crepsley (John C. Reilly) is willing to bargain. He'll save dying boy Steve (Josh Hutcherson) if the spider-stealing Darren Shan (Chris Massoglia) agrees to become his assistant, a sort-of vampire replete with training wheels. But here's the thing: Crepsley is a loner who eschews company other than his bearded girlfriend, and doesn't relish his new role as a vampire tutor. Then why make the deal with Darren in the first place? (Note: Writer Darren Shan named the protagonist "Darren Shan." Are fictional monikers suddenly at a premium? As if the audience didn't have enough questions about the story, lack of direction, poor dialogue and clunky acting, we're at a crossroads to understand the naming process?)

But like a hemophiliac … I'm gushing. Back to the plot that's in dire need of a cemetery, we're presented with two camps of vamps. The good guys (V-men played by Reilly and Willem Dafoe) are temperate vampires who take only a few sips from their prey, sparing their lives, knowing when to say when. The bad guys are whole-hog Vampaneze who kill and swill at will. At the center of it all is the larger-than-life Mr. Tiny (Michael Cerveris), who hungers for a smackdown between the two groups.

But there are other problems beyond the grave. The screen is littered with non-actors (Josh Hutcherson, Chris Massoglia), over-actors (Cerveris and Ray Stevenson's red-eyed Vampaneze villain) and a few good actors who look positively ashamed to be associated with the proceedings (Reilly, Dafoe, Salma Hayek). The non-actors stumble artlessly through scenes that might best be described as lifeless. The over-actors, particularly in the case of stage actor Cerveris, project far beyond the camera lens. Miles beyond. Say, Transylvania.

Was director Weitz on holiday? Perhaps visiting his brother on the set of Twilight? And given co-screenwriter Helgeland's prior credits (L.A. Confidential, Mystic River) one has to wonder at the extent of his contributions. Perhaps the Writer's Guild should file a missing person's report on Helgeland's behalf; maybe some rogue Vampaneze dude met him for lunch. Literally.

Though every now and then the script allows Reilly a sardonic line, the end result of this miscreation is an unholy jumble of attempted comedy, teenage whining, declamatory braying and murky agendas, all carried out by characters that are underwritten and fairly unlikeable.

But it's not all bad: the sets are fun to look at. If only we could stop by for a peek and then move on. As for the film itself: just say No…sferatu.

Rating on a scale of 5 blood type A personalities: 1

Release date: US & UK: 23 October 2009
Directed by: Paul Weitz
Screenplay by: Paul Weitz and Brian Helgeland
Based on the series of books by: Darren Shan
Cast: John C. Reilly, Ken Watanabe, Josh Hutcherson, Chris Massoglia, Ray Stevenson, Michael Cerveris, Patrick Fugit, Willem Dafoe, Salma Hayek
Rating: US = PG-13; UK = 12A
Running time: 108 minutes