Ninja Assassin

Is this a movie? Or rather – states Kimberly Gadette, cutting to the chase – a loosely disguised videogame?

Blood spurts out of every imaginable orifice without a respectable clot in sight. Welcome to the poorly-scripted gush-fest, perfect for the Xbox set – it's not a film, it's Grand Theft Ninja.

The title hints at the idea of a highly-skilled assassin, working his martial arts skills against high-profile governmental types. But other than some Russian diplomat who finds himself on the business end of a sharp blade, the assassin theme is as quickly severed from this film as the hundreds of body parts are separated from its unfortunate cast.

After a gruesome, spooky opening in which a group of nasty young bullies and their gal pals lose their heads by an unseen hand (Casper Assassin?), the filmmakers take us down a path smacking of a tired episode of Law & Order. An ambitious Europol agent named Mika (a charmless Naomie Harris) has discovered some suspicious payment activity in which the transferred fees happen to be the modern equivalent of 100 pounds of gold. And as any Europol agent worth his/her weight in that very gold knows, this 100 pounds is the exact price that a ninja requires when he's hired to go all Benihana on someone's ass.

Then there's a mysterious attack scene in a laundromat with stoic hero Raizo (Korean pop star Rain), and a flashback to imprisoned children whose day-to-day existence makes the Slumdog Millionaire kids look veritably pampered, Mika plays detective again with a grieving widow who, after a few minutes, hands over her husband's strongbox of secret ninja proof, stating "I know he would want you to have this."

Before you can say, "Anyone seen my knife sharpener?" we get over an hour's worth of black-sheeted ninjas, flying, leaping, slashing and gashing for dear life. (Cut that. Their lives can't be all that dear.) At some point an international militia appears, armaments a-blazing, in tanks that could wipe out whole villages … even though no one knew anything about these ninjas until two weeks prior. Even better: Mika holds onto a brightly-lit flashlight while hiding from potential killers, hoping to avoid detection.

It's a ridiculous script, veering from the quickly-discarded assassin idea to the clumsy detective story, but primarily driven by a revenge-evil-daddy plot. Though screenwriter J. Michael Straczynski was called in to doctor the original by Matthew Sand, he submitted his revised script after 53 hours of work. Hmmm. The National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) allows its participants an entire month to write their novels – but then again, books usually take more time.

It's terribly sad, really, to consider the thwarted potential, the possible fictive artistry of a less hurried Ninja Assassin … my my my, if only the writer had been allowed all of a week. Nay, even five days. (If you think these previous two lines verge on overkill … blame Ninja Assassin.)

Director James McTeigue (director of V For Vendetta, as well as being a previous second/assistant director to the Wachowski Brothers - producers on this film as well as writer/directors of Speed Racer, the Matrix trilogy) doesn't seem to have a handle on how to work with actors or steer the scenes in a cohesive manner. One wonders just how much freedom he may have had, given his bosses were still very much involved, and the fact that this movie is a quasi-spinoff from the empty pap of Speed Racer. From Entertainment Weekly, per producer Joel Silver: "The ninja scenes in Speed Racer gave us the idea to do Ninja Assassin … and they [the Wachowskis] looked at Rain in a whole new way."

Other than a few scenes in which we can see Raizo working out alone, or engaged in blindfolded one-on-one combat, the martial arts moves are sped up, quick cut and shot in low, indiscernible light. Blades whisk through the air, slicing and dicing. Forget about paying homage to the martial arts tradition in which one fights for nobility, honor, identity – this movie gives us a clan of vicious bloodthirsty drones who will do whatever they're told by an unyielding villain. Ironically, the higher ethical code entwined in the practice of martial arts itself has been as compromised as this commercial excuse for a film, throwing highly disciplined skills under the bus in favor of a special effects world covered in bucketfuls of red paint.

For the sequel, perhaps the filmmakers will allow the audience to BYOB (Bring Your Own x-Box) and let them play along. If you can't watch 'em ... join 'em.

Rating on a scale of 5 hack jobs: 1.5

Release date: US: 25 November 2009; UK: 8 January 2010
Directed by: James McTeigue
Screenplay by: Matthew Sand and J. Michael Straczynski
Cast: Rain, Naomie Harris, Ben Miles, Rick Yune, Sho Kosugi
Rating: US = R; UK = 18
Running time: 99 minutes